trying to find my zest for life again

 

It's mid October, and it genuinely feels surreal that there's only 3 months left until the end of the year. I remember at the beginning of the year, how I was saying how so much has happened but we haven't hit the mid year mark yet. I might have jinxed it, I have a tendency to do that especially when it has to do with time. But in all seriousness, where has this year gone? I know you're probably reading this and thinking to yourself 'Sweena, you say this basically in every single post'. And yes, you're probably right, but let me just point out the obvious. I'm just trying to ease myself back into writing a blog post since it really has been a hot min. I hope that you've all been taking care of yourselves as much as you can. 

Now, how have I been? I don't know how I've been, truth to be told. I have just been trying to really figure shit out. I truly feel as if I've been going in circles the last two years, as if I don't really know where exactly I fit in this world. As the days pass, I find myself wondering what I want and what makes me happy. And in the midst of all of that, I try to remember the last time I truly was happy. 'Happy' is an interesting word because truly defines as being happy? Those are the type of questions I've found thinking about recently. 

There are so many things that I want to do and I feel like I've lost so much of my time and energy on trying to figure where to what or what I want to do first, instead of just going for it. So many things I've learnt through reading books, meeting new people and watching shows but at the same time, constantly feel like I know nothing at all. 

I wish to be surrounded by the people who know me the best but how can I when I don't know myself at all? It's funny how you can alienate yourself, so much so that you can even feel like a stranger in your own home.And there are many people that I wish I was still in touch with because we had things in common, knew me the best, were the easiest to reach out and speak to but those days are now long gone and I'm just sat here, sitting in my room thinking about what could have been and where these people are now.

And enjoying your own company can only get you so far, I feel like I've done so many things alone and it's been great but there are times where I wish I could do things with people. It's one of those things where as nice as it is to be able to look after yourself, do things yourself without having to wait on people. There will always be some bittersweetness to it. The want to be looked after and make new memories with people, see things through the lens of others and not just your own. 

I hope in the years to come, I'd read this blog and look back at these times with fondness and learning lessons rather than regrets. I hope that one day, I will find my zest for life again and somewhere where I finally belong. 

x

Hope you're all well and looking after yourself as of often as you can! Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this post :)

Sweena