i don't know what's going on.

I feel like everybody who knows me, would know at this point that I love reading. Through every book that I read, I feel as if I meet new people or a group of people that I would never actually meet in real life and I learn so much from them. When I'm reading a book, it feels as if these fictional characters are temporary friends - people just passing by, everything that they go through, I also go through. But there are also times where I'm reading from a characters perspective and I feel as if I'm looking at a reflection of myself, and I'm able to take a breather and think to myself 'Okay, I'm not the only one'. And honestly, after graduating, reading and seeing characters go through certain situations although they're fictional, when you feel so isolated it makes you feel sort of sane. 

A few months ago, I read a book called 'Portrait of a Thief' by Grace D. Li. It's a book that I still think and can't stop thinking about. In this book, there is a character called Alex who honestly I really resonated with. One of the ways in which Alex is introduced is through this quote: 'Alex Huang had spent her whole life waiting'. At first when I read this sentence, I didn't really understand what that meant, which is fair enough - it was only the first line in this chapter and I had just been introduced to this Alex character. But as I read along, there were a few other lines that stood out, one of them being : 'As she grew older, she had waited for trains and test scores, all the ways her life might change'. But how can you make a change when you never know where to start?

I think the reason as to why Alex, amongst a few of the other characters stood out to me and why I enjoyed the book so much is because they all represented different ways of wanting more. I've mentioned this in one of my posts I'm sure, but I've always wanted to make a change or be part of making a change, in some way. One of the main reasons as to why I studied Computer Science, is because technology was constantly evolving and I want to contribute to that. I wanted to be a part of something that was so evidently influential in this day and age. Big dreams right? But I've gotten my degree and sometimes I feel like my life is a question. I don't know who I'm supposed to be or what I'm aiming for. It's as if I don't even recognise myself because everything that I used to want or aimed for - it seems as if it's not always what I want now. And I guess that makes sense, I am still young, I'm growing but doesn't it always feel like you've hit a brick wall that you're struggling to get over? 

I feel as if I'm so consumed with these kind of thoughts because of the weird loneliness you're sometimes faced with once you graduate. And in those kind of moments, it's genuinely as if everything that I want and I are two different entities never being able to meet at the same point. It constantly feels as if I'm trying to chase the impossible but at the same time, I don't want to spend my whole life chasing the impossible. I keep telling myself that I have to make a change, but saying this to myself is a lot easier than putting it into action. Especially when I don't even know what I am aiming for as of yet. Apart from hunting jobs and working, what are you supposed to after you graduate? Is this all what there is? I wish we were more prepared for life after graduation because it genuinely seems as if I've fallen into a wormhole and temporarily stuck in there - seeking for the unknown. 

 I know these are just temporary feelings, thoughts and worries. There are endless possibilities in this lifetime and whilst I might get lost along the way, there will be answers that will allow me to find the way back. I hope that one day I will stop being afraid of the future so that I would be able to do what I would like to do, because sometimes wanting isn't enough. One day, I will be able to find something to call my own.


'In this strange, impossible year, there was so much to be lost, so much to be found'. - Grace D Li


Helloooooo friends!! Hope everyone is doing well !!!! Clearly my yearly goal to be more consistent with updating this blog is never accomplished because it's been a while since I've written something. But here I am, with a random burst of inspiration or is it maybe unemployment? Either way, thank you so much for taking the time to read this post, like always I've probably just waffled loads without actually thinking of cohere thoughts that can probably be put into simple sentence, but this just helps me so loool. Also, check out the book! It's amazing and I think that any children of the diaspora would feel seen through - I certainly did.

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