"its foggy out here"

but there are still many paths to choose from "

Growing up, I had many dreams that I wanted to achieve. Some, have been accomplished but there are some that I'm just not that passionate about anymore to try since I never started and accomplish or I just can't remember. But I used to always aim for something and once I started it, I would always try to accomplish even if I lost a bit of passion along the way. But these days, it feels like I'm not really sure what I'm aiming for and what my goals or dreams are. There are so many dreams out there but I can't help but wonder why there isn't a dream that I want.

I feel like a my last few posts have kind of been repetitive and in a way this blog has become a small space for me to kind of just vent and whoever reads it, reads it. It helps, in a way. I'm entering my mid-twenties and I guess I can't help but feel lost and I'm just constantly trying to find my way. There's hasn't been any highs or lows and everything has just been a bit mediocre. I haven't really felt passionate about loads of things and I've lost passion for the things I used to love. It often feels like I'm trying to solve something I haven't completely understood yet. Maybe it's not the time for me to understand yet, maybe it's all supposed to be trial and error. There's a lot of unanswered questions and sometimes it frustrates me how there's so much more my life there could be but I'm the one who's restricting myself because the start of something new or doing something outside of my comfort zone scares me. A lot of the paths ahead of me are very foggy and it frustrates me.

These days, I wish I could live diligently. There's always a bit of regret and what-if's and a lot overthinking which I feel like exhausts me. I'd like to unburden myself with all the expectations I've set for myself and just live diligently. I'm not really sure what that would consist of and the uncertainty of not knowing is scary but I want to kind of remove myself from this 'I want to leave a mark in this world and be content with it' and change my mindset to 'I want to live well.' Sometimes I need to remind myself that,  the world is full of things that are constantly disappearing and but remember that it's still full of me. We can get so caught up in how much of an impact we're having and whether we're doing everything we want to be. I know that I'm caught up in .. but no matter what I've still achieved something somehow. I would be able to come across something in a few years time that would remind me of something I have done in the past. It's so easy to brush over the smaller things when the constant focus is on the bigger picture. But I hope that I start living more diligently and try to step out of my comfort zone more often. There might not be a dream in sight, but there will always be a place to start. It's a small world, no matter how big it seems. 

The reason why I kind of put it out there in this post is because if someone knows my plan, then I can't back out. But I'm not directly telling anyone so there's no pressure, writing it down is like telling myself but publishing is like telling a stranger. I've always felt like it's a lot easier to speak to strangers or just acquaintance, no expectations and no judgement. It's also just so easy to focus on the bad when there could be so much good or has been so much good, but good or bad it's always just a stepping stone. Something that I just got to remind myself every now and then. Let's walk on our different paths together, it's very easy to think that we don't know much but we know so much more than we realise and hopefully, slowly overtime we can realise it.

Thank you for reading my post! Look after yourself and stay happy & healthy as often as you can

- Sweena :)