So You Want To Talk About: Cultural Identity Crisis

Growing up, a question that I've always asked myself and to be honest, still ask myself is "Who I'm I?" "What do I culturally identify as?" For a while, especially whilst I've been at uni, I know that I would have answered 'Tamil' without any hesitation. But when Census Day came around and I had to fill in the question 'What is your national identity' or something, I honestly felt as if I was in high school going through a cultural identity crisis all over again and it's been bugging me since. 

When I was filling out the question, I kept going back and changing the answer. Initially I put Tamil, but went back and changed to French, and the cycle kind of just repeated itself until eventually I just settled with Tamil. But it got to a point where I was just like, I kinda wish I didn't just put just Tamil and I put French too. And I'll briefly explain why.

Being born in France and having most of my childhood there, I feel like I will always have a special place in my heart for all the memories and good times I created whilst I was there. And I know that a huge part of me would always want to move back. Even though I've lived in the UK for more than 10 years now, I still feel as if I haven't really settled in. There's always this feeling of being an outsider and never really fitting in. And honestly, let's be real. I'm never going to feel like I'll fit in, especially when I don't look the part and I guess the same can be said about living in France but that felt more like 'home' to me than the UK ever will. So there's already that aspect of where do I belong, you know?

To add on top of that, I've never felt that Tamil either. Growing up in a Western country, and don't get me wrong I will forever be grateful and appreciate everything my parents had scarified in order to provide for my sisters and I and ensure that we have a comfortable, easy life which is also filled with as many opportunities as possible. It's still one of those things where I won't ever feel 100% in touch with my Tamil roots. Which then also raised some questions as to whether I was ever going to be 'Tamil enough' to be part of the community.

I've always said that I'm proud to be Tamil, despite that small hiccup in high school, I love being Tamil. However there was a small period of time, and even now and again these days where I'm just like I don't think I'll ever be Tamil enough for some people. Especially when I would constantly be made fun off for the way I spoke, or you know for not doing certain things. When people ask you 'Oh, are you even Tamil?' or 'Wtf is your Tamil', even if its for a joke, call me sensitive but its not always nice. Especially when you already have your doubts about where your place in this community is. If anything it can also be kind of discouraging. 

I think its one of those things where having a cultural identity is something so many children of immigrants have because they're so far away from their roots and irrelevant comments, even if they may just be said as a joke or a passing comments can sometimes have an impact on people. If there's one thing I think that needs to change, is being judgmental because someone is not 'Tamil enough' for you. Help them out, make them feel part of the community, allow them to feel more in touch with their culture.

That being said, this question of 'Where do I belong' is something that will always bother me and probably question I will just keep asking myself. But I hope that the more I become confident within myself in being Tamil and that I believe that I am 'Tamil Enough' despite what anybody thinks, is when these doubts will slowly and hopefully start to subside.

But having a cultural identity crisis is okay and warranted, and we can all get through this together! Hope you're all well and looking after yourselves during these weird times. Thank you for taking the time out of your day in reading this post about my little experience of having a cultural identity crisis.

Hope you all have a fantabulous day!

Sweena :)